so shame on me now
by PrincessRotation
Summary: "and everything's rosy and peachy until he smiles at her with such warmth that she can feel her eyes prickling and maybe she needs to go home now because he's ruining everything and she was doing so well until now." Sam's struggling to cope with her arising feelings, but it's a hard job to face alone. Seddie.


_and i realize the blame is on me  
cause i knew you were trouble when you walked in  
so shame on me now_

x

Their story was never really that romantic. It was more kind of twisted, but Sam's never really been into rom-coms, so that's okay, she thinks. She can take the world on all by herself with her head held high and she doesn't need anyone else. She lies in her big double bed at home alone and sometimes okay, sometimes she'll look at the empty spot next to her for a little too long, but it doesn't mean anything. She always goes back to lazily channel surfing and she never imagines his arms around her waist and her head on his chest.

x

It had always been the same story. He liked Carly. Carly liked other guys. Sam was left to awkwardly remind herself that she didn't like or need anyone because Puckett's didn't need a man to define them (something she'd stubbornly decided after seeing the constant trash her mother brought home). But lately she looks at him and feels like she's going to puke and she's terrified because it's not out of hatred these days. She feels like she should burst into flames any moment because God knows she's going against everything she's ever stood for but at least she's fighting. She won't let him win so easily, the boy doesn't even know he's playing for God's sake.

She tries hating him. A small part of her still does (she can never really rid herself of the image of his young dorky self), but it's no use. It's not his fault she's in this situation. It's all of her own. He's still staring at Carly and complementing her outfit and hair and everything that Sam doesn't and never will have. Sam wants to cut her curls off or dye them brown but she can't bring herself to do it. All she has left nowadays is herself, and where would it leave her if she started lying to herself? Instead she decides to be everything he hates. Herself.

x

She thinks it's working until one cold November afternoon when he bumps into her while she's walking home from Carly's and he's walking home from the Pear store. He looks at her like he hasn't seen her in a long time, and maybe it's true and he hasn't because she's beginning to forget who she is too. He says hi so softly and quietly that she can imagine the word floating through the air into her ears and she feels like a child and so vulnerable she wants to cry. She says hi back, and she just can't bring herself to inject her usual venom into her tone. It's late, she's tired, she's fed up with being on the defense all the time. He asks her if she's okay and she responds with the usual niceties and everything's rosy and peachy until he smiles at her with such warmth that she can feel her eyes prickling and maybe she needs to go home now because he's ruining everything and she was doing so well until now.  
Instead he puts a hand on her shoulder and asks with concern whether she's doing okay. Of course she's not, for the first time in months she's looking him straight in the eyes and she can't bear it. She can't bear the fact that he loves someone else when she' so impossibly in love with him. And she knows she doesn't deserve him and he's way too good and kind for her, but it's killing her from the inside out. He has such a concerned expression on his lovely, handsome face that it makes her chest ache because he doesn't love her, he just feels sorry for her, and he's such a good friend and she knew if he knew the truth he would feel terrible because he wouldn't know how to let her down. She wants to cry or shout or run or do anything but she can't, she feels like she's stuck here forever looking into his big, brown doe eyes and hating herself for not being Carly, she hates herself for being Sam with stupid curly hair and blue eyes and a horrible attitude. And it's stupid how she used to pride herself on these things because they made her who she is and now she's rethinking everything because she suddenly can see herself from his perspective. She's a background character, and he's the star of the movie. He'll get the girl and the happy ever after and God knows he deserves it, but she'll just fade into the background, and where does her plot line end? He's still looking at her and it feels like she's been standing here forever but it's only been a couple seconds.  
"I'm doing fine."

x

She walks home alone. He'd said goodbye to her with a strange look on his face, it barely registers with her because she can't get the smile he'd earlier given her out of her mind. How could someone's smile make her so sad? It was silly and she was silly and her life was silly. She has a flat feeling in her stomach and her eyes ache, her chest aches, her head aches. She doesn't cry a lot but tonight she does. It's not loud crying, it's just tears falling silently from her eyes and running down her cheeks at top speed. She keeps her head down so no one sees. It's so weird to her because she's not sniveling or breathing hard, the tears just keep coming from no where, almost like she's just leaking. She almost laughs a little because she's so pathetic and broken that she can't even cry properly.

x

Sam misses a few days off school. Instead, she lies in bed and flicks through the channels and pretends like she has a single bed.

x

Sam thinks it's funny that relationships with her aren't simple. It's never that person A likes person B and so they date, it's more like Sam likes person B and so it's a great giant mess. She watches relationships evolve on TV and lately she's crying over the smallest things. No runny noses, no deep breathing, no hiccuping, just those damn silent tears that keep on coming and stop as quickly as they'd started.

x

He comes to visit her. She hasn't been to school in a week, she tells Carly she has chicken pox and so she shouldn't visit her. He sees through her lies. She hears the knock at her front door, but she dismisses it as one of her mother's sleazy boyfriends and goes back to watching tv. But footsteps come up the stairs and her door creaks open and before she knows it, he's sitting at the end of her bed with that sympathetic fucking ass smile that breaks her heart all over again. "So, you're not okay." He chuckles sadly.

She blinks a couple times and then realizes that the stupid crying thing has started again, but this time it won't stop and she sits in silence as he throws his arm around her and rocks her and this time she's losing her breath and choking on her tears and sniffing and gasping for air and she really really really tries to stop but she can't and she feels so pathetic. He rubs her back and kisses the side of her head and mutters sympathetic words that she can't and doesn't even try to make out. Finally she calms down and he sighs and runs his hand through her hair. "What happened to you?" He murmurs.  
She shrugs. "I wish you wouldn't look at me like that."  
"Like what?"  
"Like you pity me. Like you feel sorry for me."  
"I don't mean to."  
"It makes me feel so worthless."  
He rubs her back harder. "I'd never want to make you feel that way."  
"I know." She sighs. His question still stirs in her mind. What has happened to her? She's not even sure anymore.

x

He leaves an hour or so later, she's still a little shaky but not as bad as earlier. He knows now, she's sure of it. He looked at her with those sympathetic eyes again before he left and she knows it's not intentional but it made her feel like shit. She'll only ever be a friend to him. He knows she's the third wheel in the trio and that she's desperately in love with him and after all these years of her bullying him, he feels sorry for her.

x

The weeks turn into months. She feels empty inside and lately nothing much registers with her. She hasn't cried at all since that night, even though she feels like that would be the normal thing to do. She's not quite sure what's wrong with her, if this is love then she doesn't want it. She feels like she should be avoiding him for her own sanity, but she's always been a masochist when it comes to him.

x

During one late night iCarly rehearsal, Carly leaves to fetch some smoothies from the Groovy and the two are left alone. It's not the first time this has happened since that night, but this time it feels different and awkward and new. He's looking at her from the other side of the room while she casually leans against the hood of the prop car, trying not to notice.

"Sam." His voice splits the silence and she holds in a wince. Play it cool, Puckett. Play it cool.

"What's up?" She asks in her usual monotone voice.  
"I need to talk to you."  
She gulps. "Shoot."  
He's slowly crossing the room towards her and she's so glad she's leaning on the hood because she's pretty sure her knees have failed on her.  
"Have you... Sam, have you been eating lately?"  
She chokes. "What?" That was the last thing she had expected him to say. She's so caught off guard that she doesn't even think his question over. She looks up and she sees his sympathetic eyes again and she suddenly feels very sick.  
"Have you been eating anything lately?" He repeats himself, gently. The question throws her, but she scrambles to think it over. She suddenly realized that over the past few months, she'd eaten no where as much as she normally does. She'd been so distracted from reality that she'd only grabbed a handful of nuts here and a bowl of cereal there to keep her stomach from complaining. She'd never even thought it over until today. The sickness in her stomach worsening.  
"Yes, of course I have." She lied. Telling him the truth would only make him worry more and she couldn't stand that damned sympathetic look.  
"Really, Sam? Because I never see you eat anymore and... Well, you've lost so much weight. You're really skinny... Like unhealthy skinny." His words are cautious and he's trying not to upset her, and she goes to scoff at what he's saying but she looks down at herself and the noise catches in her throat because Jesus, he's right. It's like she's wasted away, like all of her weight has just dropped off of her magically over night. She feels horribly sick now. How could she have not noticed this happening to herself?

She feels horribly scared and timid and vulnerable because she feels like she's lost herself. How could she have been wasting away without her even knowing? She felt so separated from reality that it terrified her.

"Sam, it's okay, you don't have to cry..." He soothed, bringing a hand up to her face.  
"I'm not-" She says but she's realized that she is crying, it's those damned silent tears streaming down her face again, another thing she doesn't notice, another thing she can't seem to control. How is she suddenly out of the drivers seat?

She's suddenly aware that she's shaking and she can hardly breathe and she's still crying and her heart is beating so fast and her chest hurts and she vaguely remembers that panic attack she had when she was eleven feeling like this. She hears Freddie shouting but it barely registers, she barely picks up his shouts of, "Sam? Sam! Oh god, sit down. I'll call Carly, don't worry." She hears him dial but she has her eyes squeezed shut so she can't see a thing and she still feels like she's about to puke everywhere and she's shaking so hard she didn't even know it was possible. "Carls? Carls get back right now, I think Sam's having a panic attack! I'll call Spencer up." She's going to die she's going to die she's going to die, Freddie's shouting for Spencer and rubbing her back and Spencer bursts through the studio door and she feels so crowded but she can hardly speak through her tears and her shortness of breath oh God she's going to die she's going to die she's dying and Carly's here too and she's yelling something about trying to breathe slower but it's too late she's dying-  
She feels Freddie's hands grip her shoulders and she hears his voice ordering her to open her eyes and look at him. She forces herself to do so, if she's going to die his face would be the last she wants to see, she supposes. He soothes her ("good girl, Sammy, good girl baby), and then instructs her calmly to try to breathe slower. He takes one hand off her shoulder and links his fingers with hers and starts breathing slowly himself to show her how to do it. She does her best to do the same and it's working... She feels herself calm down, the tears are slowing down and so is her breathing and she doesn't have to vomit that much anymore. She's still shaking a little but not half as much.

She takes a big breath of air and manages a small, "Thank you."

x

She feels silly for thinking she was going to die, but she hasn't had a panic attack in years. Figures one would come along now to bite her on the butt. She;s in the living room, Spencer's got his arm around her in a brotherly-type hug and she's leaning against him, pretending to watch tv.

She's really listening to Carly and Freddie talk in hushed tones in the kitchen. She can only just make out what they're saying.

"What do you think caused it?" Carly asked, her voice smothered with concern. "She hasn't had one in years."  
"I know this sounds weird but... I don't actually think she'd realized that she wasn't eating as much, or how much weight she'd lost. I mean, it's like she looked down at herself and saw how tiny she is for the first time. I think it scared her."  
"I know Sam, and I know she hates being out of control. Maybe it was through shock and loss of control?"  
"Maybe. I don't know. Let's not ask her though, I think she just wants to forget about it."  
"Okay. I'll order a pizza and you make sure she eats, okay?"  
"Why would she listen to me?" He asked. Sam blushed.  
"Don't you see, Freddie? She only listens to you. It's like you're the only one that has an effect on her. When she was having that attack, you were the only one who could snap her out of it and calm her down."  
"I-"  
"And you called her baby." Sam could hear the smugness in Carly's voice, and smiled despite herself. "I think we both know you've been hiding your feelings for her for too long now."  
"Carly, you promised you wouldn't-"  
"I won't say anything, Freddie. Don't worry, I'm gonna leave it up to you to tell her yourself. And you'd better, mister."  
Sam heard Freddie chuckle.

x

Sam ate a whole large pizza to herself just to see everyone smile.

x

He walked her home. She wanted to thank him again for calming her down but she couldn't get the words out of her mouth because she didn't want to risk him giving her that stupid sympathetic look. She felt weaker than ever tonight, he had seen her in her most vulnerable state, and she hated that. She used to be the strong one.

He didn't try to hold her hand or link her arm and she appreciated it. She felt like she needed her space tonight, she'd been grateful for Spencer trying to be there for her, but she'd been relieved to climb off that couch and away from him. She didn't even want to feel a little bit claustrophobic, in case it triggered another attack. She was being cautious.

She breathed in the night air and watched it swirl out of her mouth. Suddenly, she wanted to talk, get it all out in the open.

"It's okay, Freddie. I know you have questions. You don't need to be afraid to ask them." She shrugged, keeping her gaze straight ahead.

"Well, I... It's just that... I feel like this is all my fault. Like I haven't been there enough for you. As much as I should have been."

"Of course you had, it's just that I needed my space these past couple months and-"

"I know you know." He laughed, brokenly. They stopped walking. "That I could tell you were in love with me. And I just left. I can't believe I wasn't there for you. It took me some time to accept that I felt the same way."

"I would have freaked out too." She mumbled.

"I saw you stop eating as much. I should have said something straight away but I didn't want to impose myself... You've always been so independent. Besides, I'd already upset you enough."

She finally turned to him, looking up into his big, brown eyes. She was expecting the sympathetic look, but instead she was met with a broken one. She could tell how bad he felt. It was her turn to comfort him.

"Freddie, it's fine, I hadn't even realized, I've been a bit... I don't know, distracted from reality for the past couple months. I just had that attack because I was so shocked and scared. It's like my life's spiraling out of control and I'm not even noticing it. Like I'm not even me anymore. What kind of sorry ass excuse for a Samantha Puckett doesn't eat everything in sight?" She laughs humorlessly. "But seriously... Thank you for helping me back there. I don't know why, but you're magic at it. I should keep you on hand just in case."

He smiles sadly, bringing his hand up to rest on the small of her back. "You're so welcome." He mumbles.

She was going to say something, but it's long forgotten now. His eyes are focused straight on her and it's hypnotizing, he's looking at her with such wonder and affection and adoration that she can't help but place her hand on his shoulders. His other hand comes up to the side of her face, lightly pulling her closer to his own, she's on her tip toes.

Their noses are brushing. "I don't ever want to see you that upset again. It broke my heart." His warm, sweet breath beats off of her face.

She closes her eyes for a few seconds, and swallows hard. She composes herself and opens her eyes again, to see his glassy, watery eyes so close to her own, looking down at her. "Then I'd really better keep you around." She whispers, chuckling lightly.

He mumbles something that sounds like "Please." But she hardly has time to think about it because his lips are on hers. He kisses her so lightly and then so hungrily that's she dizzy but it's the nice kind of dizzy. His hand is in her hair and his other hand is stroking her back and holding her to him and her hands are in his hair now too, she's equally as passionate and hungry for him as he is her.

He sighs "I love you." Into her mouth and she nods in agreement. He understands. He always does, always did, always will.

x

_hey guys! so i just want to put this out there: i hardly know anything about panic attacks, and i got most of the info off of google, so if you suffer from them or know someone who does, or just feel like this is offensive in any way, i don't mean it to be! i tired to keep it as true as to what google told me, haha. thank you for reading guys, your reviews are so sweet and make my day! honestly, you are all little rays of sunshine :)_


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